• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

• When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

• If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

• If everything else fails, there’s always the phentermine.